piling.

i think its the six times i have been audited in two weeks.

so many changes. piling work, working late shifts for the next week.

next month will be more hectic. i am still positive.

abah doesnt like me to date.

everyday i woke up and i think twice about taking M.C. if i can make it to the end of the month, it will be the SECOND month that i havent fall sick. i go to work despite of the fact my legs are wobbly and my head is spinning. I have no idea where i got e power from bt  recently work hs bn an encouragenent.

im just glad im surviving and loving the work.

anyways, i have been in not so good terms with dad. he is ridiculously unreasonable. ever since i told him i went out with a guy.there is a point in your life where you decide to not hide things from your parents and act maturely and this point of my life is when you decide to tell this particular phrase,

” dear all, i am actually going out with someone”

its been a year plus since i last had a relationship or even seriously dated. i didnt want to hide anything anymore just like i did with firdaus so i told. of course mama sumja was supportive even though she thinks im day dreamin most of the time. i even introduce the guy to my mom okays so she knows e meaning of sincerity and to keep her updated.

but my dad is SO totally different.

i went home one day after my date send me from work and abah asked me where i went. of course i told him i went out with a friend. then he insisted to know WHO. okays. this is the part i contemplate to tell or not to tell. if i lie, then i would risk myself again to having an increase of distrust then its already is so i told the truth.

I TOLD HIM HIS NAME TOOOOO!

this is how it goes.

him: who did you go out with?!

me:a friend?

him: who

me: WAN =)

him: WHO IS WAN! is he your internet friend?

me: errr. my friend but not internet. i know him for long.

and his face changed. LITERALLY CHANGED!

him: how is he like in person?

me: he is a good guy, you have to see him first. i dont want to tell you anything but i can assure you he is good.

this is the part where i PLUCK up the courage to let my dad see him because i want him to know that i am NOT playing anymore BUT, he had to say,

him: why should you show me? he is just a friend what?

me: he is a friend but i want you to know my friends

he dont get what i mean. JUST DONT GET! after that he lecture me for FIVE minutes on face value. i dont get this. i am telling him honestly what i really am doing and he just had to spoil everything. for 3 days straight, abah boycott me. either he slept early, ignored me, not talked to me or even best still,

SACARSTICALLY insulted me.

i complained to my mom. i complained that no matter WHO i brought home or dated, my dad would still react the same way. i remembered i brought my ex to my grannie’s funeral and he had to refer firdaus as ” budak tu” budak tu ade name okays. and he did the same to my current date tooo!

I HATE PEOPLE NOT USING THE REAL NAMES!

guess she had one thing right. she said to me,

” i guess he still thinks you are a child. one thing you should do next time is dont tell him anything but unless you and him are ready for engagement or anything, then you inform. he wont have anything to say”

im still a child. y0u know what i want to do now.

• learn to cook, wash clothes, sew a bit
• household chores
• pray
• recite the QURAN

i think those few things would let my dad see how i am not a child anymore.

IM NOT KIDDING.

loved.

i figure out i am an invidiual who cares about people.

that is a strength. and i am loved =)

im very upset.

you know one thing that firdaus is right every year. FIRDAUS IS RIGHT you know.

everytime one day before my birthday, i will be upset.

im pretty upset. for once, i am very upset.

its the stupidest 18th october.

i messaged firdaus some less than a message word today. i couldnt think of anything to say, only to write, “ happy birthday.. bla bla bla” i didnt expect a reply anyways because of what i did the other hari raya. when it comes to ignoring, i am number one. surprisingly he messaged back saying his thanks and wondering where am i. ya rite you wonder where i am. he kept asking why i never reply to the hari raya message. i am surprised he remembered but i dont intend to answer a question which i find pointless to even voice out. im glad i messaged, it takes alot from me to just send okays, somemore im still not happy but i decided to let it past.

anyways,

today, my colleagues bought a cheescake for monica’s farewell and my birthday. dr george wish-ed me and asked me when im going to get married so i told him next two years. and he said he wants to look for people for me and i told him, NO. i have someone =) wahaha! and then, another patient asked me if i was single or married so i told him, ” im single but unavailable” he told me, i was nice looking to not have someone. aww. i always thought i was ugly. pfft.

oh yes,

18 october. i dont know what to say. its just going to be another day. i shall wake up on that day and tell myself,

what the heck. another stupid day.

yes,

i am mad.

and dont ask me what i am mad of because i will be more mad. so let me cool down and understand this whole situation. im not going to be like last time where i dont express how i feel because i am sick of pretending things are okay when i feel its not okay. okay, so i am going to sleep and anticipate a walkabout with my silly boy tomorrow.

stupid 18 october.

happy birthday firdaus! secretly.

things are looking up for me =) work is fine, paperwork is piling but i dont stay back that much already. i look forward to go home now.

my birthday is coming =) im happy. for once, someone is fetching me from my house and we are going to become geeks on saturday =)

oh yes! today is firdaus’ birthday. may you be happy with your love ones! now i finally know why we cant be together, because you were meant for someone else. AND ALSO, GOD opened my eyes and see what is it that i want. i want to be a girl. now i am not. hahaha. and i see how GOD give me a LOT of obstacles just to tell me that YOU WERE NOT FOR ME AS A COUPLE! you were my big brother. thank YOU GOD =) and may whoever BLA-ed at me last time for not getting him, i wish to tell you that i am proud to do the same thing because i saved him from creating another confusion in his life. oh wells. i cant save many things at once. now, its time to save myself. i respect that and also, i would like to respect the line that we drawn even tho im still mad at you for not letting down your ego. bla bla bla. anyways, im not giving the card, i decided not to. what if the girlfriend thinks something else. nah, i would not want to disturb. later i sms you or something. other than that, for now, i am taking a risk.

i dont know if i make a right or wrong decision but its something i wont regret because i am aware of the consequences and im still taking a risk. i want to do something that finally will make me happy =) thats what i want to make of my life, for that 22 years i am lacking. i want to make a choice that i would be able to learnt the joys and sorrows of it again. i want to be able to fall and pick up myself like i want to. i want to do it with someone i can trust my life with that i know would give his all to me. and i know i have found him.

but this time, we take it slow, not rushy anymore and see how it goes =) because this time,

i want to make the secret happen =)

i see myself with you, my silly boy ♥ heh.

and i see myself taking pictures with 23 people on sunday! WEEEEE!

he. me =)

for the first time in my life, i feel special.  i could be a girl.

i wasnt inferior like i did feel in my past relationship.

this, could be the beginning of something.  this, is the beginning of my secret =)

I TOLD YOU 2010 would be a GOOOOOD Year for me, heh.

die.

after my cat died, arwah nenek’s sister died. yes, everyone is dying. i dont know when someone close to me will die next because they are all dying in front of me.

i dont know when i will die also. maybe tomorrow, next year, next 50 years. also i dont know.

headache. tell me again what day is today. i lost track of time. i shall sleep now.

i think i want to dedicate this song to people who are all dead. i dont know all of you but i know i will meet you in akhirat nanti. to all those who died natural, unnatural, by natures disasters or what ways you die, i pray for you.  amin.

my cat for 6 years died.

adapted from facebook.

i wish i can express this well.

i dont officially own a cat. my dad dont allow it because he thinks its smelly and dirty. i always tell him, “then why prophet muhammad puts kittens in his pockets if its dirty” and he would not know how to reply but say, ” itu lain” how different is that. anyways, im very rebellious when it comes to cats. my dad say NO, i say YES. we must help the cats because no one is caring for them. if not the SPCA will take them away. i have taken care of a few cats, total around 7 or so in around 9 years. i named all of them. i still remember all of them.

manis, manja, syahira, suci, segar, snowball the 2nd.

but my personal favourite after MANIS (the one who went missing since i was 15) is segar. the name Segar was given by my sister. They used to have a family. His mom is Syahira, His sister is Suci and He is Segar. inspired by the brand name, HAHA! they always come to our house but only Segar is the braver one. i seen him grow from a young cat till an adult. he has NICE big eyes and is the most manly cat i ever seen. he used to come to our house everyday until one day he needs to explore the outside world. i got angry with him of course! because he never comes and visit me. everyday i would ask,

” SEGAR DATANG TAK MAK?!”

then one day, my mom tells me. he visits once in a while. and then my dad tells me he has a family. i was shocked like hell. SEGAR HAS A WIFE AND BABY! in the carpark. hahaha! i was a bit mad but i know i must let go. i often go to the carpark to search for him but i often seen his wife. we call her kucing africa because she is dark. she likes me. i knew segar would make a good father, his son is so like him.

then today, my mom woke me up the same way she woke me up when my late grannie died. it was 830, around the same timing late grannie died. she shouted, ” AYUN SEE! SEGAR DAH MATI!” i couldnt think, i just went out and saw his body. his eyes popped out. the body was bloated. then my mom said that a few days ago, segar came to our house often but he didnt want to eat. he just wanted someone to be there for him.

he knew he was going away. and he never tell me.

in the end, even tho he rarely come home, he died infront of our house.

i love you a lot. you were the one whom i cared for. you know when i was upset for firdaus, you were always there for me without me telling you. but you knew i could make things through. thank you for all the love =) you have been my best cat of all. im going to miss you as much as i miss nenek. take care segar.

karen’s 21st!

my auntie baked this cakes =)

First and foremost, HAPPY 21st birthday karen =) you have grown a year older and its been a year since i last saw you. I just like to tell you that you look so much happier now and i thank GOD for bringing you much happyness! lovesloves! anyways, her birthday party was a good session with her family and friends. It was a lot of people and the birthday cake was seriously BIG! its from island creamery and its ICE CREAM flavour. wah nice nice nice. There were SO many presents too, like COACH and GUESS and IPOD. then there was something karen said that triggered me,

ayunie, yours will be in EIGHT days.

i kind of forget the day has been a bit faster by the day. in EIGHT days, i will be twenty THREE. so scary. and in this week, i will be disappearing myself because i will be very overwhelmed with work. just before i take my public holiday leave, i need to finish my drug ordering and updating. ah shueng is going on course for the week so we are one staff down and sara would be already on maternity leave for THREE months. and dr choo asked me to consider taking advanced diploma in palliative care because she believes i can make it. just because i have the comforting factor. i decided to see how it goes, i mean like how the course maybe like. this means i will be pretty uptight with things next year. now i kind of know how juggling study and work is pretty tough but NOTHING is impossible.

i may be slow in things but i feel very grateful everyday =) amin.

and i find a new word to scold people,

kena-sai.

cookies and creams is so old school. shit is too common, kena sai is so singaporean now.